Tuesdays Top 5!

Tuesdays bring us a Top 5 list. Today it’s…

TOP 5 BLATANT ABUSES OF THE FORCE BY JEDI’S

#5. Qui-Gon Jinn trying to use republic credits to pay for ship parts (Episode 1: The Phantom Menace)

After escaping from Naboo with the Queen, Qui-Gon and Co. have to make an emergency stop on Tatooine to fix their ship. They find a Parts Dealer in the settlement of Mos Espa named Watto. Watto says he has the parts they need and will sale them to Qui-Gon. He asks how they intend to pay for all these expensive space ship parts –  Qui-Gon tells him they have Republic Credits. Watto replies that Credits are no good out here on Tatooine and that he needs something that has value. This exchange seems fair enough, I mean Watto isn’t trying to rip Qui-Gon off or anything, dude is just trying to make a profit. Life on Tatooine is hard. Qui-Gon Jinn then waves his hand and says that Credits will do fine. Fucking Qui-Gon is trying to pull a fast one on Watto, cheating him out of his expensive ship parts! Republic Credits are worth shit on Tatooine and Jinn knows this – he knows that he would be getting hella expensive parts for basically nothing. That’s just wrong and not the way of The Jedi. (Good thing Watto is immune to Jedi Mind Tricks)

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#4. Luke choking the Gamorrean Guards at Jabba’s Palace (Episode 6: Return of the Jedi)

You know what happens when you work for Jabba the Hutt and you drop his  shipment of goods at the first sign of Imperial Ships don’t you? Yeah that’s right, he’s gonna have Greedo hide in a bowl of rice in Indochina ready to pop a cap in your ass. And drop the shipment is just what Han Solo did and as a result it got him frozen in carbonite and hung in Jabba’s Palace as art. It’s up to Luke Skywalker to save his friend. Luke concocts the most inane plan to rescue Han since Sonny’s plan to get a jet to fly them to an island after robbing that bank in Dog Day Afternoon. At any rate, Luke enters Jabba’s palace all pimp like with his robe and hoodie on. Two Gamorrean Guards appear and block his path – you know, like good guards do  when a dark robed figure enters a palace. And what does Luke do? Does he try and talk with them? Reason with them? Make up some cool lie about how he is here to conduct some shady business with Jabba? Or maybe just use a Jedi Mind Trick and have them walk away? No. Motherfucker CHOKES the shit out of the piggies. Those Gamorrean Guards didn’t deserve that.

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#3. Luke Skywalker tricking Ewoks into believing C3PO is a God (Episode 6: Return of the Jedi)

Now don’t get the wrong idea, I fucking hate the Ewoks, but what Luke does to them is just mean. So Luke, Han, Chewie, and the droids get captured by the Ewoks, an indigenous tribe of teddy bears on the planet Endor. The Ewoks overall are a peaceful, tree-hugging clan that seems to have done well for themselves on Endor – making tree-houses and shit. They have no love for the Empire either and I’m sure are plenty pissed about how the construction of a new Death Star is taking place right above their heads, and that Imperial Outpost down the path there, with AT-AT’s crushing trees and speeder-bike noise pollution. So when Luke and Co. show up and get caught in the Ewoks net, they assume they are working for the Empire and proceed to cook them up and have a feast! It’s not the Ewoks fault, they’ve been fucked with too many times and arn’t taking any chances. They do however love C3PO and bow to him, believing him to be a Golden God from the Sky – which I guess he sorta does look like – and the feast will be a tribute to Him. Anyway, Luke decides the only way to get out of this situation is NOT to use the force to un-do the ropes that bind them, or call for help psychically to the Rebels that are waiting for them to blow the outpost up, or use the force to just float everyone down to safety. No, the dude makes C3PO lie to the Ewoks, telling them that he is a GOD and that he will use his power to punish them if they don’t let them go. The Ewoks are all like, “Yeah, right. No God of ours would be so mean to punish us for making a feast in His honor. Nub Nub!” But Luke insists C3PO continue to lie to the Ewoks and then he uses the force to make 3PO rise into the air and scare the shit of the bears. It works and they are freed and proceed to eat all the Ewoks food and get some of them killed in their battle with the Empire. And as far as I know, this lie was never corrected. Fuckers.

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#2. Qui-Gon Jinn cheats at dice (Episode 1: The Phantom Menace)

Oh man, Ol’ Gui-Gon Jinn is back again, cheating the fuck out of people. Dudes, seriously, Gui-Gon is one of the most dishonest, shady Jedi’s EVER! I won’t trust this guy as far as I could throw him. He already showed up on this list trying to cheat Watto out of those Spaceship parts, and now he’s back again, trying to weasel Watto out of his Slaves  – which although morally not right, are perfectly legal to own on Tatooine. In fact, Watto hasn’t really done anything to deserve what ultimately happens to him in the Star Wars Saga, but we’ll get to that in a bit. So here’s Gui-Gon wanting to take little Anakin Skywalker with him back to the Jedi Temple to train him, but Watto owns him. Gui-Gon then comes up with a scheme to cheat Watto out of the boy. Knowing Watto likes to gamble, Jinn makes him a wager, that if you watch it IS THE MOST CONFUSING WAGER TO EVER BE WAGERED EVER! Something about if the boy wins the Podrace Jinn takes the boy and Watto gets the Ship, but if he loses Jinn gets the Mom and Watto gets the boy, or Jinn gets the parts and ship then Watto gets the Pod and the Mom and Gui-Gon gets the ship and pod and Watto gets the the Mom and Ship. FUCK!!!!! This goes on for about 10 minutes until it is all settled with a “chance cube” roll. If its blue Watto wins, if its Red Gui-Gon, the fucking cheating mother-fucker, wins. Watto rolls the cube, everything is perfectly legit at this point, then Gui-Gon waves his hand and uses the force to make the cube come up Red. Gui-Gon Jinn wins! Even the “slow” Watto is like, “Hey man, you cheated!” Then Jinn dispels some bogus Jedi wisdom on Watto, “Whenever you gamble, eventually you’ll lose.” Thanks buddy. As a result of all Jinn’s manipulations, Watto is ruined. He loses his business, his slaves, pretty much everything, and the next time we see Watto in Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith, he is homeless and selling himself on the street corners of Mos Eisley. Not worry though, Gui-Gon Jinn gets whats coming to him courtesy of Darth Mauls dual Lightsaber. You will also notice that when Jinn dies, he doesn’t disappear like good Jedi do (see: Yoda’s death. Ben Kenobi’s death). Nope, he just lies there like the cheating mother-fucker that he his.

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#1. Obi-Wan Kenobi uses force to shut compartment door in the ship he is hiding in (Episode 3: Revenge of the Sith)

Just use the door knob dude.

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